Day Eight

Today was–in the middle.

The day started out alright. I loved “Weekend Review,” where we talked about how our weekends went and how we applied (or not) things we learned in the program to our everyday lives. I had a challenging meeting with my new PT. She said some unskillful things and I was already feeling fear. Or I don’t know, did she say some unskillful things? I was just so sensitive by that point in the day: in a flare-up and scared of everything. Of course it was rough. I felt some terror and panic.

This terror is such a strange and familiar thing. Like a heavy blanket pulled over the whole world, making everything threatening: a sensation in my neck, a glass on a table, a jet flying through the clouds, lights on Lake Michigan. This is what I spend a tremendous amount of time and effort trying to avoid. Now it’s back, front and center.

If I let it run wild, it will turn into anger or self-hatred, or both. If I sit still with it, it’s just that heavy blanket.

That was today. I hope I can do this.

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