Day Seventeen

Today was a little rough. But only a little.

I haven’t had a panic attack since last week. That feels great.

I find myself getting impatient with being told what to do, reminded that I should stop lying down so much, reminded to get my cushion so I can sit on it. I know! Just let me do it. You’ve given me the pieces of the puzzle I was missing, and now I know how to do this stuff on my own. It feels like I was given a racecar and they taught me how to drive it, and now I’m ready to try, but they’re like, wait, we need to keep teaching you how to drive! You’re not doing it right! Do it this way! They don’t recognize that I have a lot of experience driving cars. I know where the gas and the brakes are, I know when to speed up and slow down. Let me drive already!

I don’t think that metaphor makes perfect sense. I don’t know.

I am leaving more space for the future not to be decided by how I feel now, by this flare-up or this panic. I used to be so sure that a pain flare-up was a backslide, that it would take a while to recover from, that it meant my chronic pain was getting worse. Now I’m not so sure. And in that space, there is more room for other things to happen, for pain and difficult emotion to shift faster than I think it can. That feels major.

On a lighter note, Felix, the relaxation specialist, asked us today in his heavy Russian accent: “What will win!? Power of mind or willpower!? Tell me! You! What will win? You! What will win?”

We were all stumped. I don’t even think that’s an actual question.

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