Day Eighteen

I have been feeling tense.

Sitting is feeling much more difficult this week. I am worried about losing my gains, about going home and having to pace again from a worse-off place than when I started the program. I am tired of being in offices where people are telling me or expecting me or needing me to sit. I want to be able to pace sitting in a way where if I’m going to sit this hour, the rest of the day no one’s telling me that I should be sitting now. Lots of the parts of the program are wonderful, but this increased pain and tension in sitting feels not fun. Especially after how wonderful sitting was feeling last week.

But I’m not having panic attacks this week. That’s a gain.

And this morning I had a great walk on the treadmill that I did not think I was ready for, and a good moment in sitting where I moved through pain and anxiety to a calmer, low-pain place just by stopping to check in and feel the subtle sensations of slowly moving my pelvis.

I want to know if this is OK. Is it safe? This place of uncertainty, especially when there is pain and tension, is scary. But in all likelihood I will be in this place again. I will be pushed again like I am here. Now is my opportunity to see if I can find ease in this place–or if not ease, at least not a total meltdown and withdrawal.

Tomorrow is mini-golf! Please be fun.

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