Day Twenty

Today was Saturday, a day off. But it was a major day.

I spent much of the day feeling scared. This program is so much sitting for me, and I have been trying to put on a brave face, look at the positive in every situation, and try my hardest to pace sitting. But there is a part of me that I haven’t really given a voice to. The part that is just screaming, This is too much! This hurts! The messy, ugly, scared part. That part is afraid of being judged for being what it is, judged for being just another symptom of my pain-avoidance behavior, so I haven’t given full voice to it. And I have worked so hard this week and all through the program to sit, to participate. Today it hit me, and I broke down at about 7pm and cried for a couple of hours while I talked to my wife. She helped me see the situation with some more clarity.

I want to just leave the program. But I think I will go in and tell my therapist exactly what’s happening. Messy, unwise, whatever. I need to give my truth a voice and stop judging it for being what it is. The program feels like too much, I am sitting too much too soon and it’s a lot of activity, and now I am really hurting and sitting scares me and walking scares me. I am in a big flare-up. Yes, I am not going to deny that.

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